How to enjoy sex (and life) more: Letting go of control and surrendering to pleasure

Have you ever felt like sex was just a chore? Another thing on your long to-do list? Yet another thing you do to please others? You technically enjoy it but it still takes effort and simply doesn’t seem worth it most of the time? Well, if you answered “yes” to any of the above this article is for you.

Women who have got it all under control, who are good at organizing their entire life, who multitask even when they try to relax, and who are just darn good at doing whatever they do (likely because they are so organized and good at controlling everything) are often dumbfounded to realize that sexuality is one aspect they cannot quite master. The more you control it, the less it works. The more your try to just achieve (the way you normally approach most tasks), the less likely it is to bring about the kind of experience you’ve heard other women talk about. And it sucks. It seems unfair. It makes you feel guilty or inadequate. It brings shame. It frustrates you and your sexual partner. So what to do about?

Paradoxically, the answer is not to do (control) more, but rather to consciously choose surrender and pleasure. Driven ambitious women are often finding themselves with a lot of success and satisfaction in their life but they’re stumped when asked “what brings your pleasure?”.

Pleasure requires letting go of achievement-driven perspective. If we approach everything as a task to be done we might miss out on a lot of pleasure. Yes, sure, there is satisfaction in completing a marathon or washing a floor or baking muffins but these are all activities in which pleasure depends on the result. Pleasure for the sake of pleasure requires letting go of goal-oriented attitude and surrendering to the process itself. It’s about immersion in whatever we do hoping to get that pleasure. Mindful bubble bath, savouring food and drinks, absorbing sunshine, smelling freshly brewed coffee or a flower are examples of activities that bring pleasure by themselves – there is no goal or expectations. If you enjoy your cup of morning joe only for the satisfaction that comes from creating perfect design in the foam on top of your latte you’re not pleasure-oriented. If you make it this way just so you can post it on social media, it doesn’t count. It’s a satisfaction from a job well-done, a reward. Those are great too, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I am talking about pure pleasure that comes from being immersed. Sex seems sometimes like a race with a finish line on the horizon but approached that way it won’t bring about as much pleasure and you won’t be as motivated to engage in it if it’s just for the purpose of an orgasm (or getting your partner off your back!) ( Pun not-intended but left here for comical relief of the tension you might be feeling right now 😊). If you think of it as a break from your busy life, a pleasure you deserve, a moment to surrender (as opposed to control), you will be craving it more, enjoying it more and likely having a lot more of it. It’s a win-win-win situation!

So what should you do if this blog speaks to you and you nod along to the words you read but have no clue what’s the take away? Seek pleasure everywhere in your life. Think of a few things that may bring you the kind of pleasure that does not require performance (can’t be judged as well-done or badly-done). Pleasure is a sensation – it comes from all of our senses: touch, smell, sight, taste, hearing. Does that help? Think relaxing massage, smelling a flower or a book (yeah, I do that), tasting a delicious meal or a dessert, listening to music that moves you and makes you feel all kinds of feelings, watching the leaves change colours in the fall or observing shimmering water for awhile. And yes, sex has the potential to be an ultimate pleasurable experience as it involves all five senses! No wonder some people get overwhelmed! Especially those who feel uncomfortable with living in their bodies and live their life mostly from the perspective of the mind. I am talking about the cerebral type of person. Great thinker, analyzer and getting-the-sh*t done kind of person. If that’s you, good for you! I am sure you’re very successful. Think of all the amazing skills you possess that help you function in the world! You can be proud of yourself! You might also be missing out on some of life’s finest moments, so get curious about this and try to seek pleasure. You’re likely a good planner already so create opportunities for yourself to feel pleasure and joy. Befriend your body and let your mind go quiet once in awhile. It’s safe to live purely through your senses sometimes, I promise. The benefits extend beyond just the moment of feeling good (as if it wasn’t good enough reason to try!). You will feel more energized, creative and yes, also more capable of tackling all the stuff you are so used to spending your energy on. Enjoy! 😉